delighting in the joy of six months of my baby boy

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my little guppy, you’re six months old today.

six months of joy, worry, excitement, fear, and peace. six months of diapers, wipes, nursing sessions, bottles, spit-up, and snuggles.

in six months, I’ve watched you go from being thrust into this new world you had to figure out to acting like you own it. it has healed my heart to be your mama – to watch you know that your every need will be met by me or your papa – to see that you know that you’re loved and that we’ll always be there.

six months of pouring from an empty cup. they tell you “you can’t pour from an empty cup,” but that’s about as helpful as “sleep when the baby sleeps.” when you’ve brought a new little life into this world, you’ll survive (and sometimes even thrive!) on little to no sleep and minimal self care. the signet of motherhood gifts you with the ability to keep everyone around you going while you survive on protein coffees, quick showers, and lots of deodorant and dry shampoo. it’s pretty epic.

and even though we aren’t in survival mode anymore, it’s still hard. it’s hard to watch the mind-blowing developments you’re making, knowing that you’ll never again be the tiny burrito I brought home. it’s hard to watch you become so social with everyone around you, when your social life used to just be me and your papa. it’s hard to watch you develop this vibrant personality, knowing that it’s only going to keep developing and time is going to slip away faster and faster and faster. all of these things are hard — and incredibly fun.

it’s tempting to wish for time to stop. for things to slow down so I can keep you just how you are in this very moment, as you sleep with your feet propped up on my legs, needing me right here next to you — because it feels like with each new day, I wake up to a whole new baby.

but I know better than to wish for things to slow down, my MaeMae taught me better than that. she painted a picture of me when I was little with the quote, “May you greet each morn as cheerful as spring and delight in God’s joy in everything.” while I may have rolled my eyes over the last almost eleven years at the thought of delighting in the days since she passed away, I understand it a little better now. time is going to keep on marching on whether I like it or not, so I might as well delight in every single day – of course, there are times I look forward to you sharing your little thoughts with me or reminisce on the days when we’d sleep in until 10:30. but if I spend all my time looking ahead at your next milestone, or grieving the quick passage of time, I’d miss what was right in front of me – the most precious, vivacious, sweetest, strong-willed little boy I could’ve ever asked for.

so even though my heart is a little tender thinking about how quickly six months have passed, I’m not going to let it distract me from our games, stories, adventures, and snuggles. instead, I’m going to sit here and bask in the six-month old version of you, knowing that tomorrow, I’ll get to bask in the six-month-and-one-day version of you. how lucky am I?

I’m so grateful to be your mama, little fish.

new year. same girl. new title: mama.

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Well hello there.

Long time, no see. I think since my last post I graduated college, graduated law school, got married, and most recently had my sweet little boy this past July.

As I’ve been thinking about where I’d like to see myself in 2024, this blog has been knocking on the back door of my mind. I’ve kept the website all these years, even did a redesign a few years ago when I thought I was ready to “come back.” But the timing never seemed right, until I had my son. Shortly after he was born, my own mama wrote a beautiful post on her blog, I Might Need a Nap, about his birth. In my freshly postpartum state, I was already grateful for her words and her account of that life-changing night. I realized just how precious her blog had become to me. When she began posting, I was not even 16 years old. In moments of grief, I’ve been able to return to her page and read about times when both of my grandparents were still living. It’s been particularly helpful since having a baby to go back and read about my “old” self — in the words of my favorite girl, Taylor Swift, “I’d like to be my old self again, but I’m still trying to find it.”

Don’t get me wrong, motherhood has been the most amazing journey. I am so in love with this sweet little face and his big personality, but I realize now why my mama loves her writing — it’s hers. While, yes, I read everything she writes, it’s a place where she’s just Tara. Not Auburn, Taite, and Kurt’s mom, not little guppy’s ChefEvelynBirdieDot, not the director of a dance studio. Just her. It’s a precious commodity to know yourself, and that’s something I’ve always appreciated about her. My siblings and I used to tease her so much for being “in the zone” when she would blog, but I get it now (I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said those words since having a baby – perspective is everything). In order for her to be the best mama she could be, and she absolutely is, she had to pour into herself first. It’s like the airplane oxygen mask situation. I’m hoping that by putting my thoughts to this virtual paper, I can pour into myself so I can be the best mama fish for my little guppy.

I promise I didn’t write this as an advertisement for her blog (although you should go read it). I am realizing that I’m more like her than I realized and as my therapist says, I’m a lawyer – I deal in words. I’m hoping this blog can become a place that my little one (or maybe little ones one day) can look back and read the stories of the early years of our family (like how I’m somehow typing this while he nurses). I guess this is my little wave at this corner of the internet to say “hi, I think I’m coming back, and I hope you’ll stick around.” If this little guy’s personality at five months old is any indication, there will be lots of antics I’ll need to document. 🙂

aub.